Update: Runner Gone Wild

Original Mission: To Complete Weekly Long Run (20 miles or 3 hours) before work.

Mission Outcome: Success

Mission Debriefing: I left mission headquarters at 0500 hours. A cranky gut, filled with gluten-free brownies, gluten-free cake, red wine, coconut milk ice cream and guacamole, churned leftovers into a stew of discontent.

Miles 1-4: I feel fantastic. I feel better than stupendous. I whip downtown and onto the bike corridor feeling like a million bucks, or as expensive as one can feel at 5 AM. Oh, look a possum!

Mile 5: Bubble Gut Syndrome sets in. “BBGGLLLLLURRRRGGggggghhhh,” says my stomach. I whisper back that it only needs to make it through the next 15 miles. “GRrrrrrrruuuummmmgggggghhh!” it answers. “C’mon, honey. You can do this. Just 15 more miles baby,”

Mile 5.25: “!@#$#~!! YOU! says my stomach. She isn’t going be sweet talked after last night’s abuse.

Mile 5.27: Bubble Gut Syndrome intensifies and is now classified as RTU (Runner’s Trots Unavoidable). Oh, God. Oh….God. Oh, God, oh godohgodohgod.

Mile 5.5: I pause the prayers to the digestive gods to consider my mile splits: 7:55/mile. Not too shabby.

Mile 6: Just as I seriously consider ducking into the bushes, I spy relief in a rectangular form in the distance. A porta-potty! I’m saved! My crampy stomach and I cheer in unison. We both agree that while we might love Coconut Bliss Ice Cream and gluten-free brownies, they do NOT love us. We make up in the porta-potty and are on our way.

Mile 7-9: This is boring. This is fun. Nope, now it’s boring again.

Mile 10: Yay! Mile 10. I suck down a HoneyStinger and feel queasy, sick and ready to upchuck. I will not hurl. I will not hurl!

Mile 11: I’m not hurling! Yay! And I’m still going strong. Double Yay!

Mile 11-15: I do a spot check on my mile times. I’ve slowed to a mediocre 8:30, but still good for a long run. Those trail miles, hill workouts and track practices must be paying off.

Mile 15: Just have to wrap ‘er up and git’er done.

Mile 16: I dig deep for some inspiration and find myself repeating “Eye of the Tiger, Eye of the Tiger”

Finish Line: My apartment. I did it! And so did my stomach.


About heatherdaniel

I'm a runner, writer, eater and traveler.
This entry was posted in marathon, portland, running and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Update: Runner Gone Wild

  1. pinkcowgirl says:

    That was amusing. It sounds like most of my runs. And CONGRATS on accomplishing your mission.

    YAY for you and your stomach!

    If you don’t mind my asking…why the gluten free?

  2. Marvin says:

    Losing 30 secs per mile is not bad especially with indigestion. You probably slowed down even more past mile 15 though. Good job! I need to start running longer. When is the next 0500 mission? Haha!

    Why the gluten free? Gluten is made from wheat (a grain), a big no-no for the paleolithic people. I wonder if they had coffee back during that era. Hmmm 🙂

  3. chefsy says:

    may I add you heather? woah, you’re.. amazing and inspirational! seriously, I’d love to read more how you were able to start running and got yourself ready for that 21 minutes 5k! 😦 I’m having a hard time.

    Yay for you and your stomach acting up? Ahk! 😉 and I salute you and your waking up super early in the morning for a run!

    I still haven’t achieved it, I tried it 2 days ago and I was worked! haha! I really felt the sore.. I was on bed sleeping the entire day after a couple of hours — dead conked out tired.

    Your tips are well appreciated. Thanks heather! 😉 CONGRATULATIONS!!

  4. smchurchi says:

    Hey Heather,

    15 miles before work?? Amazing! What time did you start your run?

    There’s nothing worse than stomach trouble on the run (no pun intended). My colitis has been acting up lately and it’s such a bother on the long runs. I wonder if the heat has anything to do with our intestinal ailments?


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