Transcript of a recent conversation between my legs and I:
LEGS: We need to chat about the future, Heather. Specifically we need to chat about the Eugene Marathon which we’ll run in … take a deep breath… less than 12 days.
ME: Legs!!! Twelve days. Twelve freakin’ days is all we have left. WTF are we going to do?
LEGS: We’re going to taper
ME: Taper? You must be silly. We do not taper.
ME: What did you just say?
LEGS: We called you a jerk, Jerk.
RIGHT QUAD: (interrupts): Yay, you tell’er Legs! She is a jerk!
ME: Wait. What is this all about? I thought you liked our tradition of forgoing the taper and running 26.2 miles semi-exhausted and definitely not primed. Isn’t that what we always do?
LEGS: No, that’s the way YOU do it. This time, it’s going to be different. The Eugene Marathon is going to be different. Don’t get us wrong, Heather, you’ve done a great job at training and we appreciate all the pep talking, but all the pep talking in the world doesn’t matter if we are stiff with lactic acid when we step up to the start line. This time, we don’t care if you go bezerk with pre-marathon taper nerves and doubts about whether this whole taper plan is really the right way to go about things. We have 12 days. Twelve days , Heather. We need rest. We need repair. We need some good ol’ fashioned pampering. You can do this, Heather. You will do this. You will do this for us.
ME: But –
LEGS: Not buts
BUTT (interrupts): BUTT, what Heather!? Bahahaha. Get it? I’m the Butt. There’s always a butt! Ha. I crack myself up. Get it, crack!?? Oh man…
ME: Oh for peet’s sake. Butt!
BUTT: Ok, i’ll be quiet, go ahead Legs.
LEGS: Heather, we just need to put a few finishing touches on our marathon. Give us some rest. Give us some love, and we’ll get you through the 26.2. Just put a little faith in us. And get us some new shoes, because frankly, we HATE the Lunar Racers you bought us. You can tell us that Kara Goucher wore them, but sweetie, they just don’t work. Give us a pair of Saucony Tangents. Give us some clean shorts. It’s really not that much to ask.
ME: Anything else?
HIP FLEXORS: We request that you stay hydrated.
CALVES: And get lots of sleep.
HAMSTRINGS: And provide us with a massage.
CALVES: And that you buy us no less than three dirty martinis following the race.
FEET: With french fries. The french fries are non-negociable.
ME: Good call on the martinis. I can hardly wait.